A few days ago, a client of mine asked, “What do you do if you set a boundary and you lose a friend because of it?”
Well, at the risk of sounding harsh… celebrate.
Being the “Dependable One”
Until now, the people in your life have relied too much on you. Your friends know they can call you at 2 am to complain, catch a ride, or borrow money. Siblings know they don’t have to pull their own weight because you’ll handle party planning, ensure the newsletter is done and sent out on time, and drop everything to shuttle your aging parents to and from doctor’s appointments. And every time there’s another task to do at work, whether it’s within the scope of your job responsibilities or not, your boss tosses it on your plate. You’re dependable. You get things done. People know they can come to you. That’s a lovely quality in a human being… until it’s taken too far.
Now, you’re on this boundary journey. You’re learning to stand up for yourself, to put your needs first, and to let other grown-ass adults, handle their own problems. And frankly, some of the people in your life are pissed.
You’ve gone from Little Miss Yes to Madam Makes Her Priorities a Priority.
You need to be aware of two facts:
- People don’t like change.
- That’s not your problem.
Most of the people in your life will come around. They’ll realize that You 2.0 is a much happier, healthier individual, and they’ll be proud of your growth. Most… but not all. You will find that some of the people in your life are Boundary Busters. They will push back, guilt you, and make your life very difficult in an attempt to re-establish the “norm,” where they could dump on you whenever they wanted. Some people will even exit your life because they don’t like the version of you who has needs of your own and refuses to kowtow to their whims.
And when this happens, don’t forget to celebrate. Your life is about to get even better.
What Happens When You Lose a “Friend”
When a Boundary Buster exits your life (whether they’ve gone on their own or you’ve ushered them out the door), three things are going to happen. You will:
Embrace an Abundance Mentality
I remember when I was stuck in a scarcity mentality. Whether it was substitute teaching jobs or “matches” on online dating, I was afraid that my last would be my last. It can be easy to fall into that trap and think that if you don’t hold on to the “friends” you have, there won’t ever be any more.
However, a wonderful thing happens when you release what you don’t need from your life. When you are willing to let go, better things come to you. You’ll be pleasantly surprised a few months from now when you look around at your social circle, and realize what wonderful people you’ve got in your life.
Improve Your Self-Esteem
What happens when you surround yourself with people who don’t respect you, don’t accept you as you are, and are only in the relationships for transactional purposes? Your self-esteem takes a nose-dive! We can’t choose everyone in our lives. Unfortunately, we will have to interact with people we’d rather not. However, when it comes to friends, family, and if you run your own business, clients – we get to choose the people that build us up and help us become the best versions of ourselves.
When you surround yourself with people who love you, respect you, and want what’s best for YOU, you will feel better about yourself. Bonus… when you feel better about yourself, you’ll attract ever more wonderful people. It’s a beautiful cycle of warm fuzzies.
Accept Peace
There’s enough stress in this world. People test your patience every day. Ever heard of the Pareto Principle? This theory states that 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes. When it comes to boundaries and the people you allow in your life, that means that 80% of your stress is coming from 20% of the people. Who are those people? You guessed it… Boundary Busters. Say goodbye and watch your stress melt away.
It’s not my intention to minimize the difficulty of saying goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life. Losing a friend or someone close to you is painful. You’ll likely go through a period of “mourning.” However, that mourning will be over what could have been, not over what actually was. Surround yourself with people who deserve to be in your life, and watch your life get better and better.
Is there someone in your life who needs to go?
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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