Where do you land on the assertiveness scale?
This past weekend, my husband and I visited family in California. While our return flight was booked and on time, we arrived at the airport early and crossed our fingers that we could hop on an earlier flight. Thanks to some random guy who opted not to travel that day, we both got seats.
We fly Southwest quite a bit, so we are considered “A-listers” (we’re fancy like that), and are usually able to board early and get our pick of seats. Usually, but not this time. Hopping on as standby, there were only two people who boarded after us.
Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
As we walked down the aisle, we resigned ourselves to sitting wherever. It was only a 50-minute flight, so we could’ve survived being sardines. I saw two middle seats in the exit rows. Sure, we’d practically be snuggling our seatmates, but at least we’d have legroom. My husband is 6’3… it was his best option, and frankly, it was our only option.
Being the kind wife I am, I took the seat between the two bigger guys and left the (only slightly) smaller guys to my hubby. I sat down and immediately realized there was no room for me to sit back. I leaned forward, hunched over my cell phone, and thought to myself, “It’s just 50 minutes. I can survive 50 minutes.”
Assertiveness Fail
Why didn’t I just say something? Squish myself in there? Well, as always, I didn’t want to be rude. There would be no lasting ramifications, but my assertiveness gene was taking a nap. I was just so happy to be on the plane, and I got on there late, so did I really deserve to have a “comfortable” seat (as if anywhere on a plane is truly comfortable)?
This is the parade of absurd thoughts that were dancing through my head… Until I felt that familiar shot of discomfort travel down my neck and into my right lat muscle. After years of neck issues, I knew what that meant. I had about 30 seconds to fix my posture, or I would be downing anti-inflammatories like candy and driving across town 3 times a week for the next month to see the chiropractor.
Assertiveness Win
That’s the moment I decided to put me first, fire up my assertiveness, and create a physical boundary. I paid just as much to be on that plane as the big dudes on either side of me. It was a full flight and whether it was me or not, someone would have to sit there.
With Chariots of Fire playing in my head, I straightened my back and settled between the two men, shoulders back, head held high. And do you know what happened?
They both moved their arms out of the way and mumbled, “Sorry.”
Now, I couldn’t do anything about the lack of hygiene the fellow on my right was sporting, but hey, small victories, right? And that is what today’s blog is about (you knew I’d get there eventually, didn’t you?). We have a tendency to beat ourselves up when we have a boundary backslide and make a mistake. (Not that you should. In fact, I wrote about one of my backslides in “Boundary Hangovers” and how it’s important to learn from them.) However, what we really need to do, is celebrate the wins.
Celebrate the Victories
Is the world going to be a better place because I stood up for myself in this teeny little way? Maybe not. Or maybe? Perhaps those two guys will think twice before taking up a seat and a half in the future, and someone else will be more comfortable. Maybe it will even trickle over into other areas of their lives, and I’ve just paved the way for something incredible. Or perhaps they didn’t recognize the monumental occurrence that happened that day and went on with their lives unchanged. However, for me, two awesome things occurred:
- I did not have to see my chiropractor (don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, I’d just rather not be cracked and twisted if not necessary).
- I strengthened my boundary muscle.
Just like our biceps and calves, we need to work out and strengthen our boundary muscles. Every time we establish a boundary, no matter how small, we get a little bit stronger. These tiny, inconsequential boundaries are reps that will help us lift the heavy boundary weights later.
How to Celebrate
So, whether you’ve been on this boundary journey for a while now or you just started (Hi! -Waves frantically- Welcome!), you’re bound to have some small wins. Maybe you asked the bagger at the grocery store for an extra bag so your groceries don’t end up sprawled on the sidewalk. Perhaps you brought your coffee back up to the barista and (nicely) requested what you ordered in the first place. Or maybe you asked someone on the train to move their bag so you could sit in a seat rather than brace yourself up against the wall. Boundaries communicate how we want to be treated – even if we will probably never see the other person again. These reps will help us in the future, when the really heavy boundary challenges come.
So if you’ve had a small win, celebrate it. Fist pump, do the Snoopy Dance, scream out “Yippe Kayee Motherclucker,” or give yourself a pat on the back. Whatever you do, don’t let the experience pass you by without acknowledging it. You. Did. Good.
I’d love to know, have you established any boundaries lately? And if so, what did you do to celebrate?
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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