Where do boundaries come from?

Well, when a mommy boundary and a daddy boundary get together…

Wait, no. That’s not it.

If boundaries are how we allow the world to treat us, where does our desire to be treated actually come from? That, my friends, would be our core values.

What Are Core Values?

Core values are the deeply ingrained beliefs that guide our every decision. When a fiction author creates characters, they develop a strong back story and a list of core values that the character lives by. As they write, those core values will help dictate the character’s decisions and moves.

If you’ve ever read or watched The Hunger Games series, you’d know that Katniss repeatedly puts herself in harm’s way to protect others. Katniss is driven by altruism and a desire to keep others safe. Whether or not she’s aware of it, her altruism will guide her every move. If at some point it doesn’t, Katniss will feel out of alignment and frankly… icky.

But you (hopefully) do not have to fight to the death in a dystopian society. So, how does this apply to you?

Understanding Your Core Values

Before I explain how core values dictate your boundaries, you’re probably wondering what some of these core values are. Brene Brown has a fabulous list of potential values here. Please keep in mind that these are not the only options, but they will give you a great jumping-off point.

When you first review the list, circle, check, or highlight 10-15 values that resonate with you. For example, I can tell you that altruism, compassion, creativity, love, and nature stand out for me. On the other hand, I couldn’t give a rat’s butt about power, being the best, or sportsmanship. Nothing wrong with those (and no judgment if they are yours), they just don’t jump out and scream “Sheryl.”

Next, narrow that down to 5. While some will describe you, others will feel right when you sit with them for a bit. Ultimately, you will want to whittle it down to 2-3 core values. These are the driving forces in your life. They will help you make better decisions where you feel in alignment, and they will help guide your future boundaries.

Core Values and Boundaries  

Let me share a situation that was recently brought to my attention. A woman, we will call her Meghan, works for a boss. Let’s call him Terry. Meghan was hired for her expertise. She is very good at what she does and brings a great deal to the table. However, Meghan is frustrated because it appears that Terry is not looking for her expertise. When Meghan raises a question or has an opinion, her boss becomes irritable. Terry is not looking for someone who will challenge his ideas. It appears that he is looking for a cheering squad who will pat him on the back and congratulate him for his brilliance.

Meghan is in a sticky wicket.

Let’s take a look at this through the core value lens. If Meghan’s core values are Job Security and Financial Stability, she may have a hard time challenging her boss and setting a boundary around being heard. However, if her core values lean towards Responsibility, Truth, Integrity, Authenticity, Self-Expression, or the like, well, Meghan is not going to be a happy camper in this situation and may be forced to deal with it.

Let’s say that Meghan falls into the former category. She’s way more concerned with keeping a roof over her family’s head than her boss hearing her out and respecting the value she brings to her role. She’s probably going to disassociate a bit when she’s at work. She’ll stop giving her opinion and will probably care a little bit less about her performance. I’m not suggesting that this is a good outcome. I’m just saying that if it isn’t that big a deal to her, she’ll let it go and do what she needs to do to protect her job.

However, if Meghan is driven by the latter list, Truth, Integrity, Responsibility, etc., she will need to take some action in order to feel good about herself and her contributions to the company.

Communication

With a strong conviction and knowledge of her core values, Meghan will need to bring her feelings to Terry’s attention. Why? Because Terry probably can’t read minds and may have absolutely no idea that he is alienating his employees with his behavior.

When Meghan is calm – ie: Not when her boss has just squashed her voice, and she’s angrier than a Wampus cat in a rainstorm (okay, seriously, I found this on Google… what does it mean!?!?!) – she should ask to speak to her boss in private.

She can be honest and say something like, “I have a great deal of knowledge in X field. I believe that this knowledge would bring great value to this company. However, I don’t feel like my opinions are welcomed or valued.”

Meghan should be prepared with examples of when this has happened. Once she has stated her case, she should give Terry time to respond. This could go in a few directions.

1. Terry could apologize. He didn’t realize he was doing that and will do better in the future.
2. Terry could apologize. He didn’t realize he was doing that yet will make the same mistakes going forward.
3. Terry could get angry that Meghan dared to speak up. I’m not here to give career advice, but this doesn’t sound like a situation I’d like to stay in.
4. Terry could brush her off and return to his regularly scheduled programming.
5. (There are more options, but I think you get the point)

If Terry opts for #1, hooray! Meghan is now happy; the company is flourishing with her input, and rainbow-colored unicorns are prancing around delivering candy.

However, if Terry has decided to go with #2 and beyond, Meghan has a difficult decision ahead of her.

Difficult Decisions

If I haven’t stressed this enough in my book, You Had Me At No, or any of my blogs, let me say it again.

You Can Not Control Other People.

Go ahead, read it again. You can ask people to treat you in a specific way. However, you can not force them to do so. This means when you’ve set your boundary, and the other person has made it perfectly clear they do not respect your boundary and will not adhere to it, the ball is back in your court.

You can deal with it. Meghan can speak her mind and realizing that she Terry will never treat her how she wants to be treated, she can just deal with it. She can keep her head down, do her work, and not concern herself with improving anything. It’s an option.

Or, Meghan can come to the conclusion that because of her core values, she may not be employed by the right company, working for the right boss, or in the ideal role for her needs. Again, I’m not here to give career advice. However, it may be time for Meghan to weigh what’s truly important to her (core values!) and find a position that’s more suited for her.

Conclusion

Understanding your core values will help you identify the important boundaries to set in your personal and professional life. Knowing what makes you tick goes a long way to understanding how you are willing to be treated. Armed with that knowledge, you can make important decisions that put you in alignment with who you truly are.

For more information on setting healthy boundaries, visit https://www.sherylgreenspeaks.com/boundary-bites/

What are your core values?

About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.