I overcame “Insinuation Anxiety!”

What’s that now, Sheryl?

Let me back up a bit.

When I wrote “You Had Me at No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I suggested that before you try to set a boundary with someone close to you (like your mom) or someone with authority over you (like your boss), you start out small.

Start out with small boundaries. Politely ask that man on the airplane to move his leg into his leg space and out of yours. Tell the massage therapist that her pressure is too much and you feel like your spleen is about to come shooting out your butt. Practice small and celebrate every victory. The more you do, the better you’ll get at it. And the more you point it out to yourself and maybe to a trusted friend, the easier it will become to speak up in the future. 

However, in the very beginning of your boundary-setting journey, you may struggle to speak up in any situation. I’ve experienced it, but I’ve never had a term to describe what was going on in my brain.

Thankfully, Dr. Sunita Sah does.

What is Insinuation Anxiety?

In her book, “Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes,” (which you should absolutely read), Dr. Sah introduces the concept of Insinuation Anxiety.

Insinuation anxiety encourages us to act against our values and preferences in order to protect another person’s feelings. We do not want to insinuate that we think the other person may be biased, corrupt, or plain incompetent. So we often comply with a suggestion, keep silent, or accept a bad piece of advice, just so that the very person who is hurting us, costing us, or putting us at risk can “save face.”

Insinuation anxiety is what causes us to buy things we don’t need, take advice we don’t want, accept diagnoses (and treatment plans) we disagree with, hop on board with new processes and procedures at work when we believe they won’t work, stay quiet when a colleague shares data we know to be wrong, embrace the direction a designer is going in when we don’t actually like it, and in my case… get abused by a massage therapist.

Insinuation Anxiety in Action

A few weeks ago, I spent the day at the spa with some girlfriends. We relaxed in the whirlpool, sweated our brains out in the sauna, and then went into our separate treatment rooms for massages.

Now don’t get me wrong… I LOVE massages. I get massages as frequently as possible, and I welcome all the pressure as I have knots on my knots.

What I don’t love… aggression.

Perhaps the massage therapist was having a bad day. Maybe she and her partner were fighting that morning, or she woke up to the sound of her dog puking, and then promptly stepped in it on her way to the bathroom. Her life isn’t my business. What is my business? I was afraid she was going to rip my arm off when she moved me from one position to another.

In the past, I’d sit back and let a massage therapist do their thing, silently praying that I didn’t have to visit my chiropractor as a result. I’d keep my mouth shut because they:

• Know what they are doing
• Are a professional
• Would be offended if I complained

In order to keep my mouth shut, these are all the thoughts I would squash down:

• They may be a professional, but they can’t gauge how the pressure feels to me
• I have been living in this body for 40+ years… they just met me 5 minutes ago
• They probably want to do the best possible job (for a good tip, repeat business, and because they genuinely like helping people), and need my feedback to create that reality

So there I was, lying on the table. She wasn’t hurting me with her aggressive moves, but she was irritating me. And then, she did it… she put her Hulk hands on my neck. My delicate, look-at-me-funny-and-I-can’t-turn-for-a-week neck. She was getting ready to crack, and my self-preservation overruled any insinuation anxiety I was feeling.

“Stop! Be gentle with my neck. That could hurt me.”

How to Overcome Insinuation Anxiety

I spoke up. And you can too.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where every cell in your body is screaming, “Danger, Will Robinson!” take a deep breath and assess the situation. What’s happening, and why is it making you feel icky inside? (That’s a scientific term, of course.)

Are you feeling physical discomfort? Emotional discomfort? Fear of what might happen if you don’t speak up? What about fear of what will happen if you do?

Heading back to our massage situation, I wasn’t feeling physical discomfort, just annoyance. However, when fear of her doing actual damage (whether temporary or permanent) with her reckless limb tossing entered the picture, it was time to speak up.

I know, I know… that doesn’t address the actual insinuation anxiety.

What if I hurt her feelings? What if asking her not to maim me made her doubt her abilities as a massage therapist, give up on her career and dreams, turn to a life of drugs and crime, and spend the rest of her days stealing DVD players to pay for her next fix?

I hope that sounded as absurd as I intended it to be (and not just because no one has DVD players anymore).

If she is a true professional, she’ll take the feedback and adjust her technique to better serve the customer. If she’s letting her ego drive, maybe it’s because no one told her that she’s not nearly as good a massage therapist as she thinks she is, and it’s time to get more training.

Note that I didn’t verbally attack her. I didn’t scream, “What the F is wrong with you?!? Have you never massaged a human before?”

I just kindly (though quickly) asked her to stop what she was doing because the action could’ve injured me.

I’m not suggesting we wander about this planet without the least bit of concern for how we impact others. Speaking up and being honest (in a clear, compassionate, and kind way) allows us to improve our relationships, whether they be temporary or long-term.

Conclusion

The phenomenon of Insinuation Anxiety can put a serious damper on healthy boundary setting and speaking up for what you want, need, and believe in. Thankfully, when we understand what’s happening and change the way we see it, we can positively assert ourselves, protecting ourselves and our relationships.

If you’d like to explore how setting healthy boundaries can improve your communication, lower stress, and boost performance for you or your team, let’s chat! Click here to schedule a complimentary discovery call with me. I’d love to learn about what’s happening in your world and see how I can support you.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is all about no B.S. Boundaries for better performance. She works with teams to create workplaces that run like a well-oiled machine, keep top talent happy, and crush goals—without crushing people. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.