What are you getting out of having poor boundaries?
“Wait, what? Sheryl, you’ve been preaching the importance of healthy boundaries for years. Have you lost your mind?”
I’m glad you asked. Once upon a time, I had a therapist tell me that everything we do in life, even the really bad things, provides us with some benefit. Now, this doesn’t mean that it’s beneficial in the long run – it’s usually incredibly destructive over time – but in the moment, we are minimizing pain or increasing pleasure in some way.
For example, excessive drinking. I don’t think anyone is under the impression that drinking obscene amounts of alcohol is a great life plan. (I could be wrong, but I’m fairly confident in this statement.) However, in the moment, it’s dulling whatever emotions the person would rather not feel. It’s minimizing pain, or if the person drinks to party, it’s maximizing pleasure.
A Closer Look at Boundaries
If no good whatsoever came out of having unhealthy boundaries, we’d all get perfect boundaries real quick. There would be no (temporary) benefit or positive reinforcement, so we’d adjust our behavior all lickety split.
The bad news? When we fail to set and uphold healthy boundaries, there is a momentary benefit that is enough to prevent us from changing our behavior. The good news? Once we understand what it is, we can vanquish it! (Be gone!)
The Benefits of Unhealthy Boundaries
Let’s look at some possible benefits of having unhealthy boundaries.
You get to be the hero.
Since I spent many years waiving my Codependency flag, I can honestly say that feeling needed, feeling like someone else can’t possibly succeed without you, can be a bit of a drug. When your self-worth depends on what you do for others, having unhealthy boundaries (stepping into situations you shouldn’t and “saving the day” makes you feel like freaking Superman.
But wait… there’s more. Are you putting your own needs on hold to take care of someone else’s? You’ve just reached the martyr level! Please collect your gold coins.
Unfortunately, there are some major downsides. When I was doing my research for “You Had Me At No,” I learned about the Karpman Triangle. Long story short, when you, “the Rescuer,” stop helping “the Victim,” you become “the persecutor” and feel as if you are doing just as much damage to the person as whoever (or whatever) got them into that situation in the first place. Well, that backfired quickly, didn’t it?
You don’t have to face your own emotions.
This is a juicy one. I’ve got a friend who likes to say, “Emotions are hard.”
They are! No one likes to feel yucky (save for the masochists in the group… but feeling yucky actually makes them feel good… so it’s really a loophole.) Anyhoo, if there’s a way to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions, shouldn’t we do it?
In short… no!
Emotions don’t just go away when we squash them down. You can drink away your feelings, take drugs to mask them, or spend all of your time focusing on everyone else’s problems, but ultimately, those emotions will still be there. And those little bastards will get stronger the more you try to ignore them.
When you’re done “fixing” everyone else’s problems, your problems will still be waiting for you, like an annoying neighbor sitting at your kitchen table, drinking a cup of your coffee, and waiting for you to stop chattering on about someone else so they can have their time to shine.
You get to avoid accountability.
If you don’t have time to face your own emotions because you’re so busy working on everyone else’s problems, you don’t have time to work on your goals either.
“I’m just so busy with… (volunteer work, raising your grandchildren, doing a project for a co-worker because they can’t or don’t want to, etc.) I don’t have any time to… (write my book, look for a significant otter, work on my business, get healthy, learn to make pottery, etc.)
Unhealthy boundaries are the perfect antidote to fear of failure. You just stay so busy with everyone else’s life that you have no time to work on your own life. You get to throw up your hands and defer all accountability for not pursuing your dreams.
Conclusion
Sure, you are responsible to your kids, your spouse, your fur babies, your boss, your clients, your friends, your volunteer coordinators, etc. However, as hard as it may be to accept, there is only one person in this world for whom you are responsible. You can’t control anyone else. You can’t make them start doing anything, stop doing anything, feel anything, or be anything. That’s up to them.
The only person you have control over, the only person you are responsible for… is you.
Stop hiding behind unhealthy boundaries. The momentary benefits are not worth the long-term detriment. It’s time to focus on you.
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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