My husband and I are huge fans of Young Sheldon. It’s been a while since a TV show has made me laugh out loud, and truthfully, I love everything about it.
The other day, we were watching an episode where Sheldon wanted his “Meemaw,” (Annie Potts crushes this role) to drive him somewhere. Could she have rearranged her schedule and put her own needs on hold as she often does for him? Yes. Did she want to? Nope. So, she declined, and the conversation that ensued was pure boundary genius.
“I’m very disappointed,” said Sheldon.
“And I’m okay with that,” Meemaw responded.
Yeah, that’s it. If you were expecting some long dialogue here, you may be disappointed. If you (like me) are looking for the quickest way to shut down a Boundary Buster, you found it.
How Will People React to Your Boundaries?
In “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I talked about the different ways people will react when you set a boundary. Here’s a quick recap of the three main responses:
- They’ll be happy for you and proud of you. This person has been waiting for years for you to figure out that you’re allowing the world to take advantage of you. They’ll accept your new boundary and move on with their life.
- They’ll be confused and not exactly pleased. They are used to you being their go-to for anything and everything, and now they will have to figure out how to do their own work. They may try to guilt you or manipulate you into dropping your boundaries, but ultimately, these people care about you. They will adjust their expectations and continue to be in your life.
- They will push, and push, and push. They will get angry with you. They will continue to guilt you, manipulate you, and use ultimatums to weaken you. In the end, they will either self-select out of your life, or you will get fed up and remove them.
Taking Responsibility
You are responsible for how you allow people to treat you. Notice how I phrased that: “allow people to treat you.” You are also responsible for:
- Setting healthy boundaries.
- Communicating those boundaries.
- Upholding those boundaries.
- Removing people from your life (or limiting your exposure to them) if they don’t respect your boundaries.
Do you know what you are NOT responsible for?
Other people’s feelings. You are not responsible for whether or not someone is pleased or disappointed, comfortable or uncomfortable, happy or angry. That’s on them. When you begin to set healthy boundaries in your life, some people will be disappointed. They may be uncomfortable. People may even be angry. And that, is NOT your problem.
Being Comfortable in Any Situation
Many of us have been raised to believe that we have control over other people’s emotions. Therefore, it is our duty to please others, constantly smooth things over, and ensure that we put other people’s needs above our own.
Yeah… that’s crap.
The only person we can control is ourselves. The only emotions we can affect are our own. Which means you must become comfortable with people being uncomfortable.
Standing Our Ground
Looking back to our Young Sheldon example, it was Sheldon’s choice to be disappointed. Granted, he’s a child who has not yet learned emotional regulation… nor does he have a very high EQ. However, he is still the only one with the power to make himself pleased.
Jumping into Meemaw’s shoes, if she hadn’t had healthy boundaries, this would’ve gone down very differently.
“I’m very disappointed,” said Sheldon.
“Oh no! I’m so sorry, Moon-pie. I’ll just cancel my plans today and take you instead.”
No doubt, there would be fallout from this decision, such as:
- She would’ve been resentful of her choice.
- She might have been angry with herself (which would’ve trickled over into anger towards Sheldon).
- She may have disappointed whoever her plans were with.
- Sheldon would be expecting anyone and everyone to bend to his will in the future.
- His parents might have been annoyed that she kowtowed to him.
- Etc.
Conclusion
Remember, while you are responsible for setting and communicating your boundaries, you are not responsible for how others feel. The people who care about you will immediately (or soon after) accept your newfound boundary strength. As for those who don’t… they don’t deserve to be a part of your life. Get comfortable with others being uncomfortable and set boundaries to make YOU feel comfortable with your decisions.
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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