Who is your Boundary Buddy?
Last Wednesday, I was supposed to attend a holiday party for one of the networking associations I belong to. I’d registered the month before, paid my fee, and even wrapped the book for the gift exchange. There was just one problem.
When I put the event on my calendar, I failed to realize the emotional significance of the day. I lost my stepmom in May of this year, and that holiday party? Well, it fell right on what would have been her 72nd birthday. When the day arrived, I was in NO condition. The last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up, put on makeup, drive across town, and be “on” for two hours. But, I’d paid, I’d promised, and I am still relatively new to this group and wanted to get (and give) the most out of being a member.
Deciding whether or not to attend was kind of a boundary issue. Should I keep my commitment or respect my emotional state and give myself some grace on an incredibly difficult day? And, if I did decide to go, would I be of any use to anyone there, or would I bring a little dark cloud to the festivities?
So, I did what I often do when faced with a similar conundrum… I texted my Boundary Buddy.
What’s a Boundary Buddy?
Well, first, let me clarify. I said Boundary Buddy, not Boundary Bunny. I made that mistake on a podcast. Boundary Bunny is now a new superhero protecting the world from unhealthy boundaries.
But my friend Alex is very much not a bunny. She’s a strong, intelligent woman whose opinion I respect greatly. That’s why I interviewed her for “You Had Me At No,” and it’s why she’s my first text or phone call when I need to work through a boundary-related issue in my head.
“Do you think it’s okay if I don’t go to the holiday party?” I asked, hoping her answer would allow me to get into my sweatpants, take my contacts out, and snuggle my dogs.
“OMG – it’s not only ok, it’s probably a payoff for you. Is it worth $40 or more to you right now to stay home and just be in your nest with your family?”
She then went on to explain that it was a classic case of opportunity cost and to call it “emotional and psychological comfort” for the low price of $40. I went on to change into sweats and put my glasses on.
Everyone Needs a Boundary Buddy
Whether you’re new to this whole boundary-setting thing or you’ve been laying down healthy boundaries since the dawn of time, you need a buddy. Boundary Buddies serve a few purposes. First, as you saw with Alex, they help you work through things. She’ll ask me important questions like: what benefit will I get from signing up for something? Do I actually have the time to dive into it and get the value? Is there something else I’d rather spend my money on? She helps me get to an answer and, if need be, role-plays how to communicate that answer.
Of course, Boundary Buddies can play another role as well. My husband, Tom, is also a Boundary Buddy. When we moved in together, we made an agreement not to spend more than a certain amount of money without checking with the other person and not to commit to any events or responsibilities without running them by each other. He is incredibly generous with his money (often too generous). This agreement has allowed him to say, “I need to check with Sheryl,” before offering to take a friend on vacation or help them pay a bill. I am incredibly generous with my time (often too generous). This agreement has allowed me to say, “I need to talk to Tom before I commit to pet-sitting for you.”
Who Can Be a Boundary Buddy?
Boundary Buddies can be the people who say “No” on your behalf. They can be the gatekeeper to your phone when you’ve lost a loved one and can’t deal with the constant onslaught of condolence calls. They can change the subject when you’re getting hammered with inappropriate questions (and don’t yet have the strength to speak up). They can even be the person who sees you scratch your nose, and proudly stands up to say, “We need to get going,” when a social situation has reached its expiration point.
These people don’t need any special certifications. Your friend, significant otter, business partner, sibling, heck, your dog can even serve as a Boundary Buddy (yup, dogs just got even cooler). Just find someone you trust, can communicate with, and who isn’t afraid to ask you tough questions.
As you go out into the world, especially with the holidays a few days away, it’s time to find your Boundary Buddy.
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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